Our Visit

I hope everyone is doing well. I wanted to share a story from this weekend…

As we drove, I heard D-man snoring from the passenger seat and Bryce breathing deeply from the back seat. After driving for three hours, both boys were still asleep. D-man woke up for the speeding ticket I got, which was great, but then he drifted back off. He had been at a sleep over the night before…and didn’t really sleep but 30 minutes. We were on our way to see Bryce’s birth-mom (S.) and were about 15 minutes away.

Just then I heard my phone go off…a text message no doubt. I checked it…”Do you mind if my mom meets Bryce?” Panic ran through my entire body. This is the birth-grandmother that kept saying, “Can’t you go and get your baby back?” “If you can’t take care of your baby, I will.” Here I was, just me, Bryce and D-man, going for a visit and it was quickly expanding. Just then I realized, I wasn’t picking her up at just some relative’s house as she said on the phone two days earlier, she had me picking her up for our lunch meeting at her parent’s house… I was feeling a little deceived. I felt bad for feeling lied to, but I did.

When we arrived at the little house on the edge of town, S. asked us to come in the house. To be honest, I was filled to the brim with anxiety. Was I dressed okay? Would Bryce cry? Would D-man present himself well? Would the birth-grandmother say anything awful to us? I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t feel mentally prepared. As I got Bryce out of his car seat, he started to cry.

The meeting was awkward. Bryce would not leave my embrace as much as I tried to let others hold him. He screamed every time I tried to set him down. The room was old, dark and probably a bit scary for him. While I wished this was meeting filled with flowing emotion, it was only uncomfortable silence. “Look at him, he looks just like his cousin,” grandmother said. “You’ve spoiled him, we wouldn’t have done that,” she continued. I wanted to scream, YES, I’ve spoiled him! He deserves every bit of it! But I kept a smile on my face. I offered successes and milestones. That’s all I could do in that moment.

After what seemed like forever, probably an hour in the real world, I suggested that we go on to lunch. S. agreed and off we went; grandmother stayed behind. Lunch was good. Bryce ate his quesadilla and flirted with the servers. Everyone sitting next to us admired him. S. sat so quietly. I tried hard to engage her in conversation. Spurts of conversation erupted here and there, but nothing more than small talk. After lunch, she asked if we could go to the park for a bit. Of course I agreed and off we drove to play at a local playground. Bryce ran around, picking up leaves and sticks. At first S. stood away, but then she walked around with him. D-man and I stayed behind watching from afar encouraging S. to spend some quality time with Bryce.

S. has had awful things happen lately – heart attack, losing house, car troubles, family troubles. But in my heart of hearts I know she feels relieved that Bryce isn’t going through this difficult time too. He’s happy, smart and bouncing around like the amazing (yes spoiled) little boy that he is.  

This was a difficult visit. I’m so thankful for an open relationship and I’m more than willing to have a million more visits for Bryce, so that he can have a very important connection to the mother who gave birth to him. But, for me, I have to admit that it is hard. To only capitalize on the positive would be deceiving. And leaving, with Bryce in my car seat, and her waving from the corner, broke my heart a million times over…more than anyone will ever know. I can only hope she feels peace…

It was a tough weekend. My heart is still heavy with gratitude and sadness.